Photo credit: Emilija Mikutyte
Guest writer: Kika Marie
I saw a post on Instagram that reads:
“get rid of anything that puts you in a negative state in life”
easier said than done I said to myself as I read the quote.
I drove over to my mum, picked her up and we went to say good-bye to my aunt who is leaving for the Gambia. I already knew what’s coming.
We arrived at my aunt's.
I was greeted with "oh look at you my daughter! Successful, Beautiful, ripe and ready for kids but what you are missing is a goooood husband"
Not in the mood to start off on that conversation, I smiled, grabbed myself a plate and headed toward the cooker while my mum and aunt began their conversation:
note: please picture two African Aunties in the kitchen chatting as you read this.
My mum: “did you know that Vera (my cousin) dated only one man and that’s the man she is married to and now have kids with...”
My aunt: “Oh! every mum wishes their daughter is like that…”
My mum: “hmmmm yes. she is every mother’s dream”
My aunt: “her mother must be so proud of her! She is educated, married and now have children with the ONLY man she’s ever dated. I heard they’ve been together since college”.
This is the conversations my Mum and Aunt have to indirectly tell me "you should be more like your cousin Vera"
My mum asks me: “Didn’t she study something to do with medicine?”
I replied: ‘yes she did”
My aunt: “that’s amazing, isn’t it?”
I replied: “I am happy for her. I love when people get what they wish for in life”…
that was not the reply my mum and aunt were expecting!
My mum looks up at the kitchen ceiling while my aunt looks down at the kitchen floor, trying to find words to say…
My aunt and mum: “Kika!! DO YOU LIKE GIRLS??? Do you have a problem we need to know about? Are you confused? Do you ever question when you want to settle down or have kids???"
I have become immune to these types of conversations and have grown tired of having to constantly explain my point of view so I remained silent.
My aunt: “well we just want the best for you”
My aunt and mum: "but really.., what is wrong with you? Why and how are you single? You are not getting younger. You want to wait until you are thirty to have kids? ".
I remained silent.
My aunt tries to clear the silence in the room by coughing while my mum moves onto explaining a second option to me:
“well if you don’t want to get married you can at least find a good man, get married, have kids and divorce him later if you are not happy with him”
and my aunt added “...and you will still be young while you raise your children. you won’t have to wait until you are older!"
As much as I am reminded every day that my biological clock is ticking, it is important that I give myself time to drown out the voices and focus on what feels right. Not settle down because it makes my family happy... because after marriage, the next question on the list is "when are the grandkids coming?"
I work my dream job, I am healthy, I take care of myself, I own a house (at the age of freaking 29), I have a good circle of friends, I can afford the life I want... and when it feels right, I will say yes to the right man. But for now, I won't let the voices get in my head.
I simply ask myself a question, will I be with this man because it makes my family happy or will I be with him because we make each other happy?".
If you find yourself in the same situation as me, how do you deal with it?